Saturday, April 21, 2012

Cry

I had a lot of things to say at first.. Lots of things happened this week.

But today spoils it all. Today. My first training in Nee soon camp. Spoils everything. Every single positive thing that had ever crossed my mind during NS, have diminish. Every ounce of me want to scream.

I was being pulled out of the NDP contingent. Every time. Every single time I put my heart and soul into doing something I was, then passionate about, there's always this fuck up thing that happen to me. I wonder if it was just me. Or my face is just fuck up. That's why nobody wants me to be part of them.

Whether in NPCC or Wushu or even studying. Nope. I am always the last warrior. First one dead.

If you guys don't think I work hard, fine. I don't need to explain myself to you. I don't need to show my efforts to you. Judge me whatever way you like.

Anyway, being pulled out of NDP is just too much for me to bear. I started thinking about the past, how every time, the very same thing happen.

And I cried, for the first time, in NS.

I held back for so long and once it breaks, it's like an open water tap. And I'm glad people beside me doesn't notice, or pretended not to notice.
There's no words of consolation for a loser.

The commander tried to console us, saying what, ohh you still have chance of joining NDP, you're just temporary taken out. Don't be too sad. Fuck that.
I'm never going to be participating in NDP as your freaking logistic IC or admin.

And there are my squadmates with really convincing astonish faces wondering how come I didn't even made it to the reserves. Saying my drills are better than most of them. Hah. Guess I really suck a lot then.

I'm not saying NDP meant a lot to me. To me, it is just... maybe a little bit more than unimportant.
But what I really mind is that, I am so willing to sacrifice my saturdays for you. So willing to shout out all the timings which some people don't even bother to. Polished my shoe for you like a bride preparing for her big day. March, raising my leg 90 degree for 20 mins.
I am definitely NOT expecting this kind of result.

It's just overwhelming, the feeling that, no matter what you do, you can never succeed. No matter how hard you try, people will still think of you like a stupid idiot.

So disappointing, frustrating. So demoralizing. I think I am never going to have a girlfriend ever.
Never going to have a closest friend.

Call me selfish, but from now onwards, it's gonna be all me.

Starting today, I am nobody's bitch.

posted by Loner at 9:38 AM

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